{You say you want a revolution...well?}

Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain that I know the difference between a revolution and a resolution. My thoughts today are about how those two words are pretty connected this time of year. New Year's resolutions are made by people all over the world. It's the world wide excuse to throw out the old and bring in the new. This is why gym memberships skyrocket this time of year. It's also why more self-help books are sold this time of year than any other time, and it's why the skinny pills and the no-more-smoking patches are sold out, and why I don't have to wait in line at the liquor store. It's as if the world wide alarm clock goes off and we realize it's time to get our fat, wheezing drunk asses outta bed and do something good.

Read More

{The Power of a List}

I'm convinced that absolutely anything can be accomplished if tackled in a list format. Here's a list to prove my point: Step One: Remove ungrateful smelly cousins from list.
Step Two: Hide all hard liquor from grandma.
Step Three: Remind guests to bring a dish to share.
Step Four: Purchase easy to prepare back-up dishes for the family members who fail at everything.
Step Five: Sit lactose intolerant husband away from the cheesy goodness.
Step Six: Continue sneaking shots of vodka into your Diet Coke hourly until every last guest has left.

Read more...

{My 3 Year Old Self}

Anyway, I am sure (or at least I hope) there are others out there like me who respond with the childish antics when told not to do something. In fact, I know there are those who push the red button after being frequently warned NOT TO TOUCH THE RED BUTTON. There is something inside me that understands, I know I shouldn't and yet I do. Whether it is to prove a point or test the waters or get attention I am not sure, but I do it and sure enough, the building explodes.

I've heard it all my life, "You are only one person, you need to slow down." And each time I hear it, 3 year old me throws up a shoddily illustrated image of me and my clone army solving all the world's problems. Perhaps 3-year old me is a bad influence...

Read more...

{Arm Tsunami}

I'm sure many of you will agree that adulthood is not fair. Let me add to that statement, that being a responsible adult is just not flippin' fair. (Note the obvious and painful censorship there.) Irresponsible Adults face equal burdens I'm told, but I'm thinking about changing teams.
Responsible Adult: As they chase their uncooperative 3-year old down the stairs in the morning, they step on the Island of Random Doll Accessories. First they must calmly remove the Barbie shoe from their pinky toe. As they clean the blood from their wound they must explain the reason and purpose behind putting toys away. A responsible adult must also clean the stairs of blood and move the toys that the uncooperative child will not. They must do all this while still making it out the door (with the child in tow) to start school and work on time.

Read more...